Ted Rives: If I Ran The Internet

Originally came across this video at Tyler's blog, and I thought I'd repost it here.



I love the new success of video in web 2.0, and will post more on that in the next post. It's revolutionary stuff. I couldn't find the transcribed lyrics so I transcribed and posted them after the jump. Click through if you want to follow along.

If I controlled the Internet
You could auction your broken heart on eBay
Take the money, go to Amazon
Buy a phonebook for a country you've never been too
Call folks at random till you find somebody that flirts really well in a foreign language.

If I were in charge of the Internet you could mapquest your lover's mood swings
Hang left at cranky, right at preoccupied, u-turn on silent treatment
all the way back to Tongue Kissing and Good Loving.
You could navigate and understand every emotional intersection.

Some days I'm as shallow as a baking pan
but i still stretch miles in all directions
If I Owned The Internet
Napster
Monster and
Friendster dot com
would be one big website.

That way you could listen to cool music while you pretend to look for a job and you're really just chatting with your pals! heck,
If I ran the web -- you could email dead people.

They would not email you back.

but you'd get an automated reply.
their name in your inbox, that's all you wanted anyway
and a message saying, hey it's me...
I MISS YOU. Listen you'll see being dead is, dandy
now you go back to raising kids and waging peace and craving, candy.

If I designed the internet, Childhood.com would be a loop. of a boy. in an orchard.
With a ski-pole for a sword, trashcan lid for a shield shouting
I AM THE EMPEROR OF ORANGES
I AM THE EMPEROR OF ORANGES
I AM THE EMPEROR OF ORANGES
now follow me ok?
Grandma dot com would be a recipe for biscuits and spit bath instructions (1, 2, 3)
that links with...
Hot Diggity Dog dot com that is my grandfather
they take you to
Gruff ex-cop on his forth marriage dot dad
he forms an attachment to
Kinda ditzy but still sends gingersnaps for christmas dot mom
who downloads
The Boy In The Orchard
The Emperor of Oranges
who grows up to be
me
the guy who usually goes too far
so if I were Emperor of the Internet, I guess I'd still be mortal huh?

But at that point, I would probably already have the lowest possible mortgage
and the most enlarged possible penis
so, I would Outlaw spam on my first day in office,
I wouldn't need it!
I'd be like some kind of Internet Genius.
and me? I'd like to upgrade, to deity and maybe just like that.

I'd go wireless.
ehhh? Maybe GOOGLE would hire this
i could zip through your servers and firewalls like a virus
until the world wide web is as wise as wild and as organized
as I think a modern day miracle slash oracle can get, but
ohhhew weeeeee, you wanna bet
just how wack and un-PC your Mac or PC's gonna be when I'm rocking hot shit hot shot GOD dot net

I guess it's just like life. It is not a question of IF you can, it's do ya...
We can interfere with the Interface
We can make you've got hallelujah the national anthem of cyberspace.
Every lucky time we log on.

You don't say a prayer,
You don't write a psalm,
You don't chant an ommmmmmm
You send one blessed email

to
Whoever you're thinking of
at
daddle a da da daa daa didaddle-la-daddle-la-daddle-la-da daddle da
dot com.