Thursday, January 18, 2007


As a man who spends an inordinate amount of my time on the phone, I deal with a lot of secretaries. After awhile you get to know which ones are good, and which ones are bad. Mind you, to me, if I'm not gonna be put through to a principal I couldn't care less, really. However, that doesn't mean that I cannot still grade secretaries on the way they answer the phone, how they handle incoming calls, their enthusiasm, helpfulness, etc. So, without further ado, I am compiling a list of some of the worst secretary scenarios my coworkers and I have encountered.

1. The Quiet Talker
The quiet talker seemingly whispers when she answers the phone, causing the person on the other end of the line to have to 1) strain to hear her, and 2) potentially shout because they think that the line quality is poor. This makes the Quiet Talker upset, because she is naturally a fragile creature.

2. Ms. Angry And Upset
Ms. Angry and Upset answers the phone like a barking Rottweiler. She's pissed from the get-go! Is she pissed at me? I haven't even introduced myself, so probably not. Even so, this is a sunken ship, in terms of sales, before we even leave port. Ms. A&A is likely not going to put me through to a principal, unless there's an off chance I can sound like a baby angel and charm her. It's rare when that happens, but it has .

3. She Couldn't Care Less (Senorita Apathy)
Senorita Apathy hates her job and the man she works for, most likely. Or maybe not. It could just be a natural condition. Who knows? She answers the phone and sounds half asleep, and more often than not you can get through her without too much trouble. That's the nice thing about the apathetic secretaries: they don't care about their jobs, really, so they are not diligent gate keepers.

4. The Ghetto Girl
The Ghetto Girl answers the phone while chewing gum and makes no effort at professionalism. She has no pretenses. The Ghetto Girl and Senorita Apathy are often times one in the same. I'll leave all you Sociologists out there to figure that one out ... Ghetto Girl can be a little bitchy at times, because she's got betta tings ta doo. What those may be, I do not know.

5. Bright and Chipper (Tiffany)
Tiffany LOVES her job! Or at least it sounds that way on the phone. She is SO glad to speak to you! Whatever you need, she wants to provide with the utmost enthusiasm. I don't know where these girls come from in real life. I think they fall into the stereotypical cheerleader spots in life. Tiffany (as I like to call her) is a real wild card when it comes to a call ... she's all peaches and cream when she answers the phone, but she can be a poodle with a nasty bite when rubbed the wrong way.

6. The Male Secretary
Admittedly, this is one I don't encounter often, but it does happen. The Male Secretary is typically my friend straight form the get-go. He hears my voice, knows I'm a no nonsense guy, and we proceed. There's no 20 questions about who I am, where I'm calling from, etc. It's usually a quick set of questions, and then a yea or nay on getting past him.